Sta.sh
brother
wrapped in your name is a hundred games of hide and seek, afternoon tea parties, and the squiggles of letters as i taught you to read goodnight moon and if you give a mouse a cookie. we were ten dirtstained fingers, one broken arm, four firefly eyes, two dark heads bowed as if in prayer over your broken-syllabled benediction.
every shopping cart is a cage from when we were wolves caught in the grocery store, growling at strangers until our mother made us get out and walk. the nightlight still plugged into the corner socket glows with every breath you took as you fell asleep when they moved your crib into my room. our parents were shocked when, for the first time in years, i didn't wake up screaming with night terrors. we still can't figure out how you, not even a year old, were the only thing in this world that could keep my nightmares at bay.
one day at school they told you the rainforests were disappearing, and we hid in your bunkbed while you cried for hours until mom finally found us. you wouldn't stop until she said she would let you donate all your allowance to a charity dedicated to protecting the trees. we washed our hands and said grace and ate dinner, and you never stopped caring about beautiful things.
i taught you how to read, and how to drive
and how to leave.
brother.
your life is a thomas the tank engine train track written in my skin, sealed with bunny eared loops as we sat side by side on the bottom stair and tied our first big kid shoes over and over.
your name is in my blood, your blood is my blood is your blood is my blood
that night
i could feel my bones cracking hard along the fault lines, could feel warnings in the deep earth, in places that cannot be measured by the number of trees climbed or lego castles destroyed. so brother, (your blood is my blood is your blood) even before the call came, crackling and electric like the last summer lightning
i already knew.
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